BlameThePixel!

Put $2 in a homeless man's cup, solve his problems for an afternoon. Put 2 bullets in a homeless man's head, solve his problems for life.

You can say the same thing for an Engineering student.

What's the difference between an apple, and a baby?

You didn't get arrested for what you did to the apple.

I also don't jizz on apples before I eat them.

Why was the iPad crying?
Because it's shit.

When Tiger Woods was supposed to be getting out his clubs and hitting balls, he was actually getting out his balls and hitting clubs.

Yo momma so fat, the people who live on her think she's flat, because their instruments aren't precise enough to detect the curvature.

A vampire walks into a bar and asks for a mug of boiling water. The bar man, ever attentive, says "I thought you guys only drank blood?". The vampire gets out a used tampon and explains "I'm making tea".

A man goes to his friend's fancy dress party with a girl on his back.
"So what on earth are you supposed to be?" his friend asks.
"I'm a tortoise" the man replies.
"So what's the girl?"
"Oh her? That's Michelle."

Modern Warfare 2 Multiplayer

^ That's the punchline

Modern Warfare 2 Multiplayer ^ That's the punchline
________________

Every Thursday a teacher asks her second grade class a question. If they get it right they don't have to come to school on Friday. One week she asks, "what's 10,000 times 248?" Since she's dealing with second graders, nobody knows, so she says "I'll see you all tomorrow" and dismisses the class. The next Thursday one of the kids brings a basket of black balls to class, and right before the teacher asks the question he drops them all on the ground. The teacher gets irritated and says, "okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?" The kid replies, "Eddie Murphy. See you next week."

Why shouldn't you go to the Ukraine wearing only boxers?
Chernobyl fallout.

A programmer and a business analyst are sitting in the break room one day eating lunch when suddenly the microwave catches fire. Thinking quickly, the analyst leaps up, unplugs the microwave, grabs the trash can, fills it with water from sink, and dumps the water on the microwave to put out the flames.

A few weeks later the two are again having lunch in the break room when suddenly the coffee maker bursts into flames. The programmer leaps up, grabs the coffee maker, shoves it into the microwave oven, and then hands the trash can to the business analyst.


I called the janitor the other day to see what he could do about my dingy linoleum floor. He said he would have been happy to loan me a polisher, but that he hadn't the slightest idea what he had done with it. I told him not to worry about it - that as a programmer it wasn't the first time I had experienced a buffer allocation failure due to a memory error.


What sits on your shoulder and says "Pieces of 9! Pieces of 9!"?
A parroty error.


"Why is your kid sitting alone apart from all those other kids in the sandbox?"
"They're all roleplaying a computer lab and mine's trying to get Linux running."


bool startWar = false;
if(startWar = true){
fireNukes();
}


Did you hear about the constipated mathematician who broke his calculator? He had to work out his logs with a slide rule.

Judge Judy to prostitute: When did you realise you were being raped?
Prostitute, wiping away tears: When the cheque bounced.